"Now I'm not one to gossip................"

"Hyacinth! Long time no speak, how the devil are you?"

"I know I know, it's been such a long time, I've been sailing the Med with Dmitri"

"Yes Dmitri. Yes you do know him, tall, athletic, blonde, muscles in places you didn't know existed, impossibly tanned"

"Anyway I had to call as soon as I got back to tell you that I have some rather juicy titbits to tell you about Faded Rose Vintage although obviously I'm not one to gossip"

"First of all, she's been contacted by RDF Media asking if she or anyone she knows would be interested in appearing on a new programme that sees three rival antique dealers doing battle in private homes for items they can sell. The competing dealers tour the house inspecting everything of value. The owners are then faced with a bonanza of surprise valuations and cash offers on some of their most prized possessions. They can either accept or reject the offers. They are looking for people with collections of different antiques and collectibles to take part so if you wanted to take part Hyacinth just contact them by email secretdealers@rdftelevision.com or 0117 970 7674."

"It will be shown on ITV but as you know she's more used to dealing with the BBC ever since she appeared on Sun, Sea and Bargain Spotting 8 years ago with Rippers and Bunty so I doubt she'll apply. Plus the fact that she found it very hard to deal with all the attention she got afterwards, everyone just wanted a piece of her but she's so modest, so shy, so retiring that she found her new found fame impossibly draining."

"Now the second titbit is that she is doing a giveaway on her Faded Rose Vintage Facebook page."

"Yes I know, the woman who doesn't part with anything is actually giving something away for free!"

"No, no of course you won't have to prise it from her cold dead hands. She'll send it to the winner with the minimal amount of fuss."

"It's a book on Charleston, you know the Bloomsbury group. I know, so generous, so kind, so giving"

"Just pop over there and say I sent you then like, comment or share the post tagged to the top of her page. The one with the photo of the book. The one that says giveaway. Her glamorous assistant is pulling the winner out of the hat on Friday so get over there tout suite."

"Well I must go Hyacinth, I'm off to the silent disco with Dmitri."

"Oh yes they're all the rage dear, all the cool kids go"

"Yes I know I'm (muffled muffled) years old but I've still got the moves...........no dear, you aren't invited, Au Reservoir!"